On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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