What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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