I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
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It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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