Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
