Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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