people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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