I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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