Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
