it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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