mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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