he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
