My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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