If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
