Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
