walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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