Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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