Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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