i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
