Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
