The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
