I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
