I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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