hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
