Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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