We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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