i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
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Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
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My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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