hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
