Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
