I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
