I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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