I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
