I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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