ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
