i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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