My sheets look like a crime scene.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
