i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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