Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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