Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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