My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
