Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
