Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
