Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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