I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
accomplished twins. life is a go
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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