At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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