Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
