I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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