"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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