I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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