how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
