im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize