I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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