I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
