I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
