I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you win again, gameday.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
