Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
