Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
