I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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