All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
