Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
