First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
