Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
