It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
