Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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